Loving someone and questioning how they treat you feel like they should cancel each other out. Surely if you love them, the questioning is disloyal. Surely if the questioning is fair, the love wasn't real. In practice it doesn't work that way. Both things can be true at once, and most people who end up asking these questions have loved the other person completely.
So the question isn't really about whether you love them. It's about what you're prepared to accept while you do.
Would you be proud for someone you love, a child, a close friend, a sibling, to be treated the way you're being treated?
A question that cuts through the noise
That question tends to work when nothing else does, because it's harder to explain away on someone else's behalf than it is on your own. Most people are far more generous with themselves than they'd ever be with someone they love, which is exactly why this question is useful. If the honest answer makes you uncomfortable, that discomfort is worth listening to rather than talking yourself out of.
It's not about happiness
This isn't really about whether the relationship makes you happy. Happiness comes and goes regardless of what's actually going on, and so does sadness. Chasing happiness as the measure of whether something is right tends to be a moving target, because moods shift for reasons that have nothing to do with the relationship itself.
Contentment is a steadier thing to check against. Do you generally feel respected. Do you feel safe being fully yourself. Do you feel able to disagree without fear of what happens next. That's a more honest gauge than whether today happened to be a good day or a bad one.
Guilt isn't proof you're wrong to ask
A lot of people feel guilty the moment they start questioning a relationship, as though the questioning itself is a betrayal. It usually isn't. Guilt here tends to be a sign that the relationship matters to you, not evidence that you're overreacting or being unfair.
It's also worth separating the questioning from any decision about what happens next. You're allowed to sit with a question honestly without it committing you to any particular outcome. Asking is not the same as deciding.
What counselling can offer
Person-centred counselling isn't about being told your relationship is wrong, or right, or that you need to do anything in particular. It's a space to actually look at what's happening honestly, without judgement, so you can work out for yourself what you think and what you want, rather than staying stuck in the loop of wondering.
I offer person-centred counselling in Anfield, Liverpool and online across the UK. Sessions are £50, with reduced-fee spots available. There's a free 20-minute consultation with no pressure and no commitment.